What does friendship mean? Is it talking every single day? Is it checking in and seeing how things are going? Is it buying things for each other? I have been struggling lately with this concept of friendship.
It feels that I am the one who is maintaining these relationships and it is getting tiring. It seems unfair. I am bitter, angry, and frustrated. Can I call people friends if they never initiate conversation or hanging out? Sometimes I feel unseen or forgotten. I feel forgettable. For example, this has actually happened before, I am at a mutual gathering of a bunch of people and someone says to me that they miss me. I just smiled and nodded knowing full well that nothing will come of that statement. Have they reached out to me since? Have they asked to hang out? Nope. What am I to make of that? Are they lying? Do they mean it in that moment but then poof I am forgotten the moment I leave? Are they just trying to be nice? On another occasion, on a group gaming session night, someone says that we should get together for a movie. Has that person reached out at all? Nope. I am just trying to understand.
I would like for people to be excited when they see me. I would like to a priority to someone. Even on my birthday I have to schedule around other people. No one sings or provides a cake. I feel unappreciated. This seems to be a common theme as well. Since I do not have kids or a spouse, I feel that my time and schedule is taken for granted. Things get moved around and I am expected to just comply. I can have plans even if they do not involve other people or going somewhere. My time is just as valuable.
My mind continuously gnaws at this (yes, I tend to overthink) and I do not know what to do. I think I am likeable enough. I don’t believe I am an asshole. I just do not get it.